DEAR GIRL I HOOKED UP WITH LAST WEEKEND

Dear girl I hooked up with last weekend,

I would have appreciated it if you cleaned up the period blood you left all over my sheets before you snuck out in the morning. Thanks for nothing. Bitch.

Dear Agressive Valentines Day Lovers…

Dear Agressive Valentines Day Lovers, (Syracuse University)

Take it easy, this is a public area. The fact that there is a couch in this room does not make it appropriate to start celebrating Valentines Day in front of me.

Dear Syracuse iSchool…

Dear Syracuse iSchool (Syracuse University)

Please stop smelling. You already contribute to so many stereotypes at Syracuse.

Dear Burglers…

Dear Burglers, (Syracuse University)

My car was broken into today, and my cd collection was taken, all except my sisters Justin Beiber cd. While i really hate you, im glad to see that delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music

Dear Unhappy Food Service Employee…

Dear Unhappy Food Service Employee (Syracuse University)

I know its the first day back but please don’t take it out on my sandwich. How am I supposed to eat this mess you angrily slapped together?

Dear Fast Little Asian Kid…

Dear fast little asian kid, (Whitman College)

I was inside having a very nice time talking to the extremely drunk girl (your friend) who had just turned 21. So when I was talking to your friend and all of the sudden felt something slide out of my sweatshirt’s pocket, I was startled. I looked up and saw you — barely five feet away, and not five seconds post noticing the pick from my pocket — looking at me guiltily and crunching my 16oz. Champagne of Beers, already post-shotgun. The thing is I’m not even mad. How the fuck did you do that?

Dear Stoner Face Painter….

Dear Stoner Face Painter, (Cal State Long Beach)

Even though all your “artwork” is free, still no one wants it. it’s safe to say that your only talent is smoking. are you even a student?.

Dear Creepy Kid Behind Me…

Dear Creepy Kid Behind me, (Syracuse)

I dont know if you thought you where being slick but yes, I did in fact notice you in my periph creeping over my shoulder watching me text. Cut it out, your acting like a future serial rapist and fit the part with that whispy mustache and bowl cut.

Dear Annoying Giggly Girls…

Dear Annoying Giggly Girls, (Syracuse)

Thanks for whispering jokes to each other and giggling every 30 seconds during our hour and a half lecture. Never in my life have I wanted to or thought possible to use a text book as a thrown weapon but you girls deffanilty got close to becoming my first test subjects.

Dear Fat RA…

Dear Fat RA, (Syracuse)

I have never been more happy in my entire life then when I watched you slip on some water in the dinning hall and felt the earth shake. I wish I could relive that moment and hear that incredible noise you made when you hit the ground. Thats what you get for being bitch.