Dear Fast Little Asian Kid…

Dear fast little asian kid, (Whitman College)

I was inside having a very nice time talking to the extremely drunk girl (your friend) who had just turned 21. So when I was talking to your friend and all of the sudden felt something slide out of my sweatshirt’s pocket, I was startled. I looked up and saw you — barely five feet away, and not five seconds post noticing the pick from my pocket — looking at me guiltily and crunching my 16oz. Champagne of Beers, already post-shotgun. The thing is I’m not even mad. How the fuck did you do that?